(no subject)

[lifethesis]

Name: Ashley

Age: 34 but still a teenager who never found love, at heart.

Bio: Freshly full-time trans woman. I used to identify as a lesbian, but my sexuality has changed and I do like guys now too. So I've gotten more romantic at the prospect of actually finding love, as lesbians don't typically like girls with penis anyway, but a lot of guys love trans women.

I mostly post about: Life, self-therapy ('cause my psychiatrists all failed me and were useless), my transition (7 months in, I'm mostly full-time now, especially since I'm no longer sporting long-as-fuck hair extensions and have gotten my choice of makeup and fashion mostly down), trying to go outside, trying to find love, etc.

My hobbies are:

Gaming - I have a gaming PC because console-gaming gave me headaches, which was either due to my seizure disorder or gaming on 4K in general (never had issues during 2000s era of console gaming) or my 4K TV being of the cheaper variety.

I also have a Steam Deck so I can pirate Switch games for free, but also because sitting on a computer chair hurts my back. (I'm trying to correct my posture, I tried hitting the gym but, as with everything else, it felt exclusionary to trans women so I had no motivation to go.)

I love RPGS - Action/adventure games, JRPGs, MMORPGS (I play a lot of online games because that's what I invested my time and money in due to wanting to roleplay and fashion up a female pre-transition, but also because I'm lonely and need to be surrounded by others. Hello, glorified chat room client!). Occasionally I stream on Twitch to a small audience, and online games attract the most viewers, probably due to their pick-up-and-play factor and not needing to have seen the previous stream to know why you're bashing another player's head in.

Music - I used to only like 90s indie because I was too anti-capitalist to listen to embarrassing pop and too authentic to fall for the hipster trend of 2000s then-contemporary indie. Then I realized I was a girl and started thinking it's attractive to act dumb since now I'll find love with looks and not personality or intelligence. So now I also listen to new indie, especially female-fronted gay stuff like Snail Mail and Phoebe Bridgers. Non-gay women's indie habits include Soccer Mommy and Alvvays. Unfortunately, newer/non-vintage stuff tries to be high-quality with a focus on image and fashion and so ages very quickly. I may have to adapt.

Vintage tastes include Dinosaur Jr., My Bloody Valentine, Slowdive, Pavement, Sonic Youth. Their 80s/90s stuff is repeatable. Endlessly.

Occasionally I'll listen to girly pop, such as Ariana Grande, Doja Cat, Dua Lipa, etc.

I get acclaimed rap such as Kendrick Lamar and A Tribe Called Quest, but it's mean and hateful and my transphobic and homophobic brother (who, ironically, is the most educated in the family, proving that schooling don't mean shiet) listens to *bad* rap almost exclusively.

I also like black metal and death metal, even though it's mean and hateful... in a cool way.

When I don't feel like thinking, or want to feel emo, I'll listen to 2000s nu-metal, hard rock, etc. You know, trash like Disturbed and Bullet For my Valentine, which was cool 2 decades ago.

Fashion - I don't do expensive high-fashion namebrands, as I'm kind of broke at the moment, but I make do with what I have. It is so self-affirming as a female to dress up, long live the female form.

My fandoms are: Modern horror films, though I'm kind of depressed and can't consume anything more than 44 min music albums, but at one point I was interested enough to watch 3 horror films per day. Now I realize I can't gif newer films very well for Tumblr and that just made me realize I should watch some vintage stuff. Like arthouse flicks like Trois Coleurs and Cache. Mulholland Drive was great.

Anime is nice, but the really good stuff is obscure and doesn't give me enough likes on Tumblr. Watching Vinland Saga (new) and Romeo and the Black Brothers (vintage).

My posting schedule tends to be: Depends on what's happening. My online presence is great due to not having a job or life, but that also means I'm too depressed to post.

When I add people, my dealbreakers are: If you're a conservative, go away. Especially if you liked Trump.

Before adding me, you should know: I'm very freshly trans so I don't have much life experience as my authentic self. Not being employed contributes to this, as well. Therefore, my journal is constantly evolving and ever-changing, so what you see now might not be what you see in the future.

Also, I might still be very mentally ill. Unless people are just fucking with my head just to bully me.

Anyway, here are two very recent selfies, of my two styles: the middle-part modern e-girl look, and the side-part 2000s emo goth aesthetic.

Watch on YouTube